Because I know you would want it to be this way. This is why they are still in my life. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. OMG. Even if you dont mean it or dont feel like it. Because if I dont have things to do, I just wont do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. Flanders is the name of the whole western part of Belgium. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. All I did was try to get in a few runs before the big event so I could actually try to make it around the lake without having to be pushed in a wheel barrel. I miss him so much.. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. How do you know everything? Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. I truly expected more from you. I sent my Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text and told him how I could not get out of bed. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. With a lot of different things. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. Forever sorry. I can be brave. Its our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how Im going to take over this fucked up world. I will always look for you though. on Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, on From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. It seemed to have all the answers. Best news ever. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. Stacy. I am going to build something amazing with it. 4,586 views. That means everything to me. I, of course went to, Oh fuck. Ill admit it. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. Today, was not a day I expected at all. I took Becca and Stacy there today. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. My week has kind of gotten away from me. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. It was an emotional day but so rewarding as well. I wonder if that was a sign of whats to come. Trust me. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. So, where to start? I love you. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. Things like this dont even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? Its early in the day around 5 a.m. All of my friends are. That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. Oh god. Its one of my only drawings I have of yours. Candice from TGen was kind enough to make sure I got to meet Dr. Sholler today. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. And guess what else this year is. Fo shizzle. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I hope you are safe. Most of the time alone. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. We had a little foundation business to attend to. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. But due to the fucked up things that go on in my head, I have convinced myself that if we had live here, you would not have gotten cancer and died. I love you. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. Robyn. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. The sweet lady told me it was. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. It felt good just to be out with my friend. I was always so thankful for what we had. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. You werent naughty. Your daddy went out last night. Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home. A productive trip. Would it be too much to ask for the happiness of the world to just go on vacation for a day? Ambien won. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. I knew you were having a baby girl. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. Your birthday is the same day as Mothers Day. THANK YOU. She is a wonderful doctor. Its bullshit and something no parent should ever have to experience. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. Plus she says the word, Fuck, a lot which you know I appreciate. She made me smile so for that moment in time, I was o.k. Ronan. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I couldn't take it anymore. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I dont share with just anyone. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. So weird, but Ill take it. I sat at the TGen conference all day again today. I am further along than that, but not much. Danielle. Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. Why would I want to break it anymore? I told you it was a word! I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? Oh, and I saw Dr. Eshun again today. All happy and carefree. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. Im not a scientist. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry., Him: Stop saying youre sorry. She called around to a few places. "My darling. What do you mean, I cant talk to him anymore? Alright, Ronan. I wanted the data to show your face instead. What do you mean, no more pictures of Baby Ro? Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. I love people like that. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. I told her I wasnt going to. They urged me to go. I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. It was an emergency last night. on 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. If good days existed in my life anymore, today would have been one of them. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. He said some more things to me that I wont repeat, but left me saying, How do you know that? I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should beclearly be me. It seems to completely throw them all off. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. I love you. You were a child. I swear I stare at it all day long. How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? It felt like it today. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. I sacrifice myself, for them. For that, they will forever be my sisters. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. Ill see you in 20 minutes. Such a little skeptic he is. Although my routine seemed crazy to most, I felt like I thrived in it. I had a little secret very important meeting today. Mothers Day is hard enough now, butthe fact thatit falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way. The combination of your beauty and my sadness is more than enough, baby doll. We sat and caught up. Ill enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. This is all for now. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. I need your help. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Its much too early for those. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. This led to me bawling on the phone. Guess what? I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. Its hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. I told him I wasnt going to let it be that way and he said something like, Well, youd better start figuring out how to control that. Ive slowly been doing that. I love you. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. Nobody was there. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. I hope you are safe. It was a boy. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. I was so happy. I huffed and puffed. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. Well, thats the world I live in, Ronan. Tomorrow will be better with my sidekick in tow to help out with my crisis which is actually not a crisis at all. Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. My life kind of depends on it. P.S. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. I told her the Carolyn news. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. I hope you are safe. She thought we were all lying to her. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. She lost her daughter to cancer. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? Come to my office. I met him there. I sent him a text. I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. I went down to his office. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. It was quiet. You were just so happy being home with all of us. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. thru it all he still puts a smile on his face and the courage i see within him is just beyond amazing! I remember telling her about you. Im a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces because this little boy, was mine. Go, go, go. We have all agreed on that. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. Period. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. Their happy, is too loud. I know what that feels like. I was going through some emails. This will be your legacy, Ronan. What do you say to that? I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. I miss you. I was in the hospital with your Poppy sister. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. Taken on March 29, 2011. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. I am also very productive at 2 a.m. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. Its not funny. Ronan. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. I remember our last moments together. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. A dozen times. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. He is someone you loved so much. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. Then I went down that road. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. Its so funny. They make me want to take on the world because I know I can change this. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. Thats all for now little man. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. Tears all over. It is her birthday today. For that, I will forever be so thankful. I was so glad I didnt have to sit there alone. I told your brothers once again, how I really want to name this baby girl, Poppy. I remember with all of you, I read that book, What To Expect, When Youre Expecting. I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. Why are your eyes so red today? He asked. An ear infection, counting my blessings! I think you would have liked the name. Secret Plan! I hate the month of May. What amazing little girls. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Thank you for him. Your boots were not that ugly.. I know myself well enough to know when I am not capable of handling things on my own. I emailed her and told her I was there and that I wish had been there, speaking. It actually makes me laugh. She has our attention. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. This is all for tonight, little man. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. Tell me what I can do for you. No words last night could have saved me. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses? I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? Someday, I will tell you. I sobbed into the phone. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. That destroys me. Dr. Jo. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. Having my own office, is going to help so much. Gnite baby doll. I will never understand why all of these kids are swept under the rug. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! Him: I do. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. What a fucking joke. I have lots to do today. Alright little man. Hormones. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. Romazing. Im better. Just as I was saying to her, How am I going to survive these next two months? A text popped up on my phone. I love you, Liz. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. I live on, for you because I love you so much. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. Please. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. Ronan. Ill check in with you later. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him. For the love that was ripped from my arms. Not today. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. Ronan. I told her alright for the most part. You know how I hate our little frienemy. I dont want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. Miss you." AF says: July 28, 2011 at 5:59 AM. I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. You can see the link for the website here. Its starting to annoy me. This never happens for me. I know he misses you but for some reason, it hit me really hard today. Ronan. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. Ronan. Your day of death. She obviously gets those from your daddy. Thats all I want to eat. Stress. My phone rang. I love you. You have no idea how glad I am you didnt listen to me on that one. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. Shes a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. Everything seems to be suffocating me. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. THANK YOU. There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. I hope you are safe. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. on Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Sometimes, I miss it. Its all so unfair. Her little face is all filled out. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. No sleep needed. Then perfect little boy Ronan. THANK YOU. And how in the world am I living without him? That will never go away. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. I chose to see you today. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. I think I need to spread the RoLove around. Your sweet little face. Alright little man. Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. A water for me. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Delizas, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I was wrong. I spent the day with a friend of mine. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. I miss you so much, Ro. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. Your daddy never knows what hes going to get with me. Having her in your room was a good decision on our part. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. I got home. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. I miss you. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. But I am not doing this the nice way. Its not the same as having you here. Well, not insane, but intense. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. Not because I dont love it. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. O.k. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. I had visions of the signs I would hold, while bouncing Poppy on my hip. I told her I knew. I felt myself panic. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? Come on, just try for me., Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. I honestly still cannot believe you are gone and that I dont get to chase you around anymore. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I asked Stacy and Fernanda about it. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. I think I will wear black all day long. I love you, Ronan. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. It could have been everything from Im leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog. I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, Were having a baby girl. He was so happy. I so badly wish you were here. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. I had a super important phone call this week. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. Liam of course tried to tell me it was just another cat. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? No way could it really be a girl. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. We fell asleep pretty early. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! I would have put on your sweet little pajamas and tucked you into bed with me, where you belong. I know you will. It was good to see them. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. A baby girl and now this?! I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. Please rest. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. I am as always, wiped out. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I dont know what happened. I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. This does not suit you at all., me: Fine. But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening.
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